Don't have cancer yet sicker now than when did have cancer treatment

I am fukked. Feel awful and was just commenting how when I did have cancer, I wasn't nearly as ill from the treatment as I am now, when I don't have cancer. All because of the hysterectomy.

ay ya ya.... measuring my arm

Been on a week's leave and back at work today. D-r-eadful. Was totally miserable all day but worked till 7.30pm cos took me so long to get through all the emails. Think I am now back in the groove though.
Anyway, been to Cape Town twice in the last two weeks. Once on a planned holiday, the other time when my dad got very ill very suddenly - he is fine now.
Saw The Lymph Lady today and it seems all the flying could have affected my arm. It has gone up 1/2cm in two places on my lower arm - the wrist and the middle of the forearm I think it is. This hasn't happened before. Usually it's my upper arm. The Lymph Lady says it's ok but fak, if it gets worse... will have to wait and see. In the interim, am seeing her every week for the next few weeks but that was pre-arranged anyway.
Funnily enough, I am ok about it. Plus gained a little weight on holiday - damn, damn,damn - which has also probably contributed to the increase in swelling. Damn, damn, damn. Gotta lose weight.
But she did also say that i was the first person she knew where the chemo had taken away the cancer completely - The Yoga Man says it's cos I didn't have a primary tumour and my cancers were 'byproducts' as it were (I don't agree, I don't think), and also that I can now progress to using 1kg weights at biokinetics, alternating with the 1/2kg weights. So that is good news.
Oh my gosh, what happened to the time? It's almost 11pm. Gonna read. Been reading a lot.

cannot believe it but cancer has changed me

I find this hard to believe but have noticed that I have changed. Think it's from the shock of the diagnosis when you're feeling on top of the world, then gritting your teeth through the treatment and now dealing with daily niggles of side-effects of the preventative treatment (in my case Herceptin and Tamoxifen).
Well what has happened that I sometimes feel angry. It is always in public. But not really angry as in feeling cross inside me but I now longer care about niceties and am far less tolerant of people's shit. If someone tells me they have been depressed, I feel nothing. It's like 'deal with it' but in a way have always been like that. It's more like at the exhibition tonight, when the stupid gallery director/whatever said: "Can you hear me?' on the inadequate mike, I said no. And at the downstairs part of the gallery (the opening was of a sculpture exhibition on the roof garden on top), I wrote in the book what i thought: that I had not realised that the late Braam Kruger's work was so kitch and self-centered. And when the exhibition curator said that the gallery had not used the sculpture garden in the five years since the gallery had been built cos they had only just realised it was there.. I mumbled something about the stupid gallery director to the stranger I had been chatting to. (The university had put a slab of concrete over an artist's work outside the gallery and this stranger felt it was a good thing - hell, the art work involved a running stream of water between sections..... stupid, said the stranger, never put energy in an artwork, never put light into an artwork....interesting point.)
Anyway, think i am more brazen than ever before. Then I also felt angry cos the university is so verkrampt (conservative) but the moment I left i no longer felt anything. It was gone. That is why I don't think it's anger really. It is just a fak you. I don't care what people think anymore.

my birthday

It's my birthday today. Had horrible time at dietician yesterday - who happens to be the most expensive dietician ever. So far have paid R1450 for two visits, and the third visit will also be R700, she says. I told her yesterday that she wasn't really helping me- well with what she had to say so far.
I went to her cos was told she had experience in dealing with weight gain on tamoxifen, the hormome tabs I am taking to help prevent the cancer from returning. Well, I might as well have been told eat every little. All she said was eat mostly salad and veggies, no starch at night and eat certain specified mueslis for some breakfasts instead of my usual slice of bread and a protein.
It is an inflexible eating programme - no treats, no adaptations plus she does not approve of soya sausage (my previous dietician had said one sausage = one protein; this one says have none) but if that is what it takes, that is what I will do. But cos it's my birthday, am starting on Monday.
Have a while to see if will return to her but got very angry when she started sprouting that shit about eating to prevent cancer as I had green tea every day and ate more oily fish than anyone else i know and still got cancer so told her it was kak that certain foods prevent cancer. It might have been worse had I not eaten healthily, is all I might accept. Plus recovery might be better although have pains and swelling from radiation so not immune to all that.....
Also told her she was not really helping me, not telling me anything I didn't already know.Also told her she was outrageously expensive.
Plus am still angry she told me to just eat all those veggies i have an intolerance towards - but they make me throw up!!
Now have discovered there is a discrepency between what she told me re starch and what is on the papers she gave me - which incidentally are two handwritten ones she wrote during the session and one printed thing on salad dressings which I asked about. Don't know why she is so vague re things. Maybe she works best for people who really are on the wrong path.
Think I know why I hate dieticians so much - most of them really dislike food so can not understand why never being able to eat a bean curry (she says beans are mostly starch rather than a protein) could be a problem. But I have to get thin. Thank god for Monday.

relief!!!!

Now I know that an excessive use of exclamation marks is so not cool but hell, I deserve the three I have pasted after "relief" in the title here.
I feel relief!!! And another !!!
Have spent the last week hassled cos I was swollen in the area of my collarbone. Cancer there would be worse than the cancer I had. Doctor said she would monitor said. She did. And today sent me off for a scan. Said it was highly unlikely but could be cancer (The Tango Man had said the radiation might not work and then I would need surgery, or, she said, it could be a clot. Before I vomited all over her desk, I asked what a clot would mean and she said very matter-of-factly "anti-coagulating medication". She also said something about swelling there being unusual.
Oh well. Lying there on the bed in the darkened room (at Morningside Clinic) waiting for the doctor to come do the ultrasound scan was not my favourite time. Neither was last night when I tried to think about what it would mean to have cancer again and try as I might, could not picture myself going for chemo again. Needless to say, not my best night.
Well thank God and whoever else is out there looking out for me, I have neither a clot nor a tumour. He saw two lymph nodes but he said they are normal and that if I scanned him, he would have them. On the right side, which he was not asked to scan, he found one lymph node, also normal. On the left axillary, below my armpit where I had had two cancerous lymph nodes, there was nothing.
"Let's check your thyroid," he said inexplicably, and then said I had had an infection there in the past and it was not working properly. "Oh, I know," I said, unconcerned and with a big smile on my face, "I have had huge thryoid problems in the past". We briefly discussed my medication then he asked if I had had it irradiated. No, I replied, it destroyed itself.
Find it fascinating that he could see my thryoid was fakked. But that is nothing. The daily 0.5g of eltroxin I take daily sorts that out. For now so happy that I can continue on my path of getting better.

why vitamins are a no-no

When I started radiation two and a half weeks ago - if all goes well, I am half way through my 25 sessions today - I was told "no vitamins". No hassle, I thought, I don't take vitamins; before I got cancer, I ate very healthily and despite all the claims that our food lacks nutrients, felt vitamins are a waste as the excess is merely elimated by the body.
Anyway, I merrily went about things, until I went to a fashion launch. About to pick up a cocktail, I stopped in mid-aim. "Vitamin-enriched water!" shrieked the sign next to the enticing looking drinks. Oh no, not for me, I thought.
Then on Monday, while shopping for aqueous cream, I stared at my usual one and again, stopped in mid-aim, this time simultaneously dialling the oncologu centre. True enough, I was using the wrong acqueous cream for there on the outside of the jar it stated clearly: "Vitamin enriched".
Asked them yesterday why vitamins were verboten (have since bought two different kinds of cream and, at their suggestion, schlepped them along to the oncology centre for approval). Anyway, as I was saying, asked them why vitamins are verboten and got a simple, straight-forward succinct answer: "Cos vitamins tend to heal and we want to destroy". Couldn 't have put it better myself.

hi ho, hi ho, it's.....

Mmm.... not the best of days but eventually feeling ok to write. Was angry with doctor today. She was angry because I mentioned something about lying down in the bath and apparently that is not allowed. But I was not told.
Fact is, have been feeling I have been told very little about this cancer and what to expect. Managed with the chemo but with radiation, where there are things one can do and not do, hell, how was I to know one cannot lie down in the bath cos it affects one's skin?
Thinking about it, I only knew and understand the chemo immune-compromised week and what to do and not do cos there was a woman from a support group at my first session. Merely handing out sheets of paper, as the oncology centre did with the chemo, or a booklet, as they did with radiation, is not sufficient. What happens if one has poor comprehension skills? I don't but I have still gone wrong.
The doctor was insistant that the booklet said not to lie down in the bath, but I showed her that it did not. Either way, came back to work and re-read the booklet to make sure am following all the rest of the intructions.
Then got upset cos my throat is sore cannot swallow food - and she forgot to look at it. I know it makes me sound silly but I am hardly passive yet she had marched out before I remembered she had not looked at my throat as promised.
Ok, was another problem too. The area around my collarbone is swollen again. Had it scanned before and it was fine. She marched off to get my file from The Tango Man to see what he had said about it. Said she would monitor it and I might need another scan. But said it was soft - ie nothing seemingly there - but swollen.
Ho hum. And as for work, which took away the bulk of my job cos advertisers wanted the colour page it was on.. did not make my day much better.
But relaxed now. If sleepy. G'night.

feeling the chemo leave my body

Tomorrow is six weeks since my last chemo session. And hopefully my last ever ever as it worked and the cancer is gone, gone, gone and from now on, so c, it's just preventative treatment so that it stays away forever and ever.
And what is amazing and making me feel so bouyant at this moment is that I can really feel my body come back to normal. It's hard to clarify but I feel more energised, less bogged down by niggling side-effects and generally more able to do things.
At the same time, have to add that this past week was seriously hampered by exhaustion and one day left work a little earlier than normal cos was just not able to focus anymore. (But this weekend felt fine and have written a story and gone out and relaxed, so cannot complain about my energy right now...)
Also, am feeling other long term effects of the chemo such as my arms feeling less mobile from the burnt veins. So whereas now I can touch my hands and lower arms, albeit not harshly, if I just stretch out my arm it hurts. So too does dressing eg putting my hands into pantihose to put them on, or pulling on a top with a tight sleeve.
Then there are other new and ghastly impacts of the chemo but they will be overcome in time and you know what? I really do feel better.
And the cancer has gone.
Now let's hope that the radiation tomorrow does not bring new challenges. But whatever, I will deal with it. Although have to admit am a little apprehensive. It's a whole new experience but then I had no idea what the chemo involved either.

facebook and linkedin

Having fun connecting with old friends via facebook and linkedin. Tonight made soup my friend Avra from Israel gave me the recipe for - a combination of pumpkin (I used butternut), carrot and sweetpotato (I left out the onion as have a, hopefully dwindling, food intolerance towards it but sure one would have it even nicer) and then later chatted to my friend Alan whom I met at varsity - he was at the boys' res opposite mine. Now he lives in Amsterdam.
Mmmm... he said when he last connected with me 10 years ago I was having health problems. Ja, thyroid. Was very sick though. And that was five and a half months of constant illness. Now I often feel perfect, even if it does not last forever. Told him I now had cancer and am starting radiation on Monday.
Sjoe....

bit sleepy today

Didn't sleep well last night. Think I was mostly awake between 2.20am and 4.20am or something like that and know I was thinking about cancer but cannot remember the details.
When I became tired at work today, I remembered why. Plain lack of sleep. Caused by anxiety.
Have got myself into a pickle re the interview I did. It now has to be handed in on Monday cos of upcoming space devoted entirely to the book awards. Now my stamina has been questionable but, hey forgot, worked out if I write a little on Friday afternoon while I wait for the pages, then write it on Saturday afternoon and again on Monday, should make it. Might need to cancel my teeth being cleaned though, to allow for an extra hour.
Not a good time to do extra work, as The Empathic One so wisely stated. Could him The Sage. One lives and learns.
Otherwise all well. Busy and under pressure at work but guess that is a good thing too.

phew! blood tests are fine

Relieved. Blood tests are fine so leaving or lesotho tomorrow morning. Throat still sore but as I thought, clearly it's nothing major. Cannot be thrush I don't think if immune is fine but just in case, stopping off at pharmacy to buy more "liquid daffodils".
A bit disappointed that I am not getting to be in charge of something I wanted to be in charge of at work, but hell, guess it's good to have a strong emotion about something that is not cancer related for a change!
And anyway, one thing I have learnt here is that things change. And I maybe I can defiantly worm/wriggle my way in there (not anything official like I applied for a job here or something, just expressed an interest in it and deservedly so, but c'est la vie....)

So here's to a lovely weekend. Not going to be updating till my return.

Reminiscent of the type of exercises I do

/www.ehow.com/video_4400792_chair-yoga-seniors-hip-openers.html

This video does not represent the type of exercises I do but it is similar to the low energy ones which my biokineticist Dalena designed for me now that I cannot go to gym as my cancer treatment can affect my heart. Yes I know this video is for seniors but that is kinda the level I am on now and really think anyone can benefit from what is shown here.

memories of the discovery of the cancer

I want to record some things that have happened before they escape my memory, the things that occasionally flash into my head, things which relate to finding out I had cancer.

* When I found the lump below my armpit, I wasn't sure which kind of doctor to go to. In the end decided to go to my GP as wasn't 100% sure if that part of the body counted as the breast. Had the last appointment of the day and when the doctor said you have to go for a scan, I remember saying: "Now?" and quickly thinking how I was sure I could fit it in before I went out for dinner. It was 4.45pm and Christmas Eve and I was going out for dinner but could always make it a bit later. But there was not a doctor in town to do the scan and, unbeknown to me at the time, no one to do it for the next three weeks."Oh don't worry," said the doctor. "Whatever it is, if it anything,you have caught it early." Bullshit. He must surely have known it was lymph and if it's lymph and cancerous it means it has spread from the boobs. Wonder if that is why he did not charge me for that appointment. Because he knew it was likely to be bad. "Oh, it's just a referral," he said.

* Finally had the scan on January 13 at 9am and a core needle biopsy was performed. It's lymph said the doctor, a prof who was new at the practice and did not know to work the pump on the apparatus properly but the main doctor came in to help. Still have the mark where it was done.

* Two days later, on January 15 at about mid-day, sometime after 12, I phoned to get the results as the doctor had not phoned me. I was at my desk in the office - an open plan office - and never thought if it was a bad result, would get it on the phone."He'll call you in if there's a problem," said a friend reassuringly. Hmmmph!! "Oh I have your file right here and was about to phone you," said the main doctor. "They are abnormal cells."
"You mean it's cancer?" I said increduously. "I don't like to use that word," he said. (I get upset just thinking about that conversation now.) He told me that it was just a process, that I should go see my GP - I said I would not but later did because I was so upset and needed to see a professional who could clarify things for me. I asked him to read out the exact words on the biopsy report and to this day it amazes me because what he read out was not on the report of which I later got a copy (not from him but another doctor). He lied to me. Soft-optioned it. He did however give me his home number should I want to phone him. I never did. But later did grow to respect him for other things he said and jokingly referred to him as "my new best friend". I don't think he handled the disclosure well at all but later in a way made up for it as he became an impartial voice in the confusing confrontations with doctors which continued.

Oh well. Let's make this memories or documentation part 1.

body awareness

If today has proved one thing to me -ja, I know this is my fifth posting of the day - it is that I am hyper body aware. One surgeon told me that not many women would have been so astute as to feel the lump I felt below my armpit.
And I felt my hair falling out from the first strand. Now, it is just over seven hours later and I still have a full head of hair but it is falling out, just slowly, and think if I touch it, it will start falling out.
It is now becoming super itchy too which is what I was told happens before it falls out in clumps.
Hope tomorrow is not going to be too traumatic but going to handle it whatever. One thing I know for sure, no matter what happens to my hair before 9am and worktime, gonna wear a hat.
Someone just remarked that this whole blog is about losing my hair but for me that is the one things which makes it so public, that makes everybody know that I have cancer. Without that, could keep it more private.