Wednesday, October 7, 2009

cannot believe it but cancer has changed me

I find this hard to believe but have noticed that I have changed. Think it's from the shock of the diagnosis when you're feeling on top of the world, then gritting your teeth through the treatment and now dealing with daily niggles of side-effects of the preventative treatment (in my case Herceptin and Tamoxifen).
Well what has happened that I sometimes feel angry. It is always in public. But not really angry as in feeling cross inside me but I now longer care about niceties and am far less tolerant of people's shit. If someone tells me they have been depressed, I feel nothing. It's like 'deal with it' but in a way have always been like that. It's more like at the exhibition tonight, when the stupid gallery director/whatever said: "Can you hear me?' on the inadequate mike, I said no. And at the downstairs part of the gallery (the opening was of a sculpture exhibition on the roof garden on top), I wrote in the book what i thought: that I had not realised that the late Braam Kruger's work was so kitch and self-centered. And when the exhibition curator said that the gallery had not used the sculpture garden in the five years since the gallery had been built cos they had only just realised it was there.. I mumbled something about the stupid gallery director to the stranger I had been chatting to. (The university had put a slab of concrete over an artist's work outside the gallery and this stranger felt it was a good thing - hell, the art work involved a running stream of water between sections..... stupid, said the stranger, never put energy in an artwork, never put light into an artwork....interesting point.)
Anyway, think i am more brazen than ever before. Then I also felt angry cos the university is so verkrampt (conservative) but the moment I left i no longer felt anything. It was gone. That is why I don't think it's anger really. It is just a fak you. I don't care what people think anymore.


  1. Sometimes I think I'm not a very sympathetic person anymore. I should qualify that. For people with real problems, I have great empathy & will do whatever I can to help. But the normal, daily whines, I have no patience. Don't complain to me if you have a cold but have done nothing to take care of yourself. Stop whining about traffic or parking - we all deal with it. If you can't stand the person you've hired for the job & don't want to give him a ride, stop hiring him (& stop asking me to talk to him for you!). - Just deal with it; these are not problems, they're annoyances; your life is not threatened; you're not going to die if you don't find parking!

  2. I think Julie said it best...What she articulated is the way I tend to react as well...

    Alli xx