did not realise my anger

Went to this breast cancer charity do this morning. Was dreading it. And could not really understand why I did not want to go. But now I do.
Firstly, as much as it does consume a lot of my life, do not want to spend my Sunday morning focussing on breast cancer. But even more so, when I got there, realised how angry I am. And then the first speaker got up and spoke about the need to examine your breasts. Big deal. Would not have helped me. I had a mammogram and scan and was given the all-clear, until less than two months later I found a lump below my armpit.
I am angry because I do not want to hear the standard stuff of how it's important to go for regular mammograms and scans, eat healthily - lots of oily fish (which I often ate three times a day), drink green tea (which I did and still do daily, barring the time I had chemo and swopped to fennel tea).
The second speaker was a radiologist who spoke about how it isn't so clean cut, so obvious, so clear and then the third speaker spoke about genetics and having the gene for breast cancer (as far as I know, I don't). Interesting. My sister in Cape Town was advised not to go for genetic counselling by a doctor as he said it will just drive her crazy as she will spend her entire life worrying about getting cancer.
Anyway, got over the event and it was ok.
Also, think I am a little resentful - but I should have spoken to them about it, or still speak to them about it - about the lack of support groups around at the oncology centre. Guess I could contact them but why does the oncology centre not recommend/endorse them? There was a buddy from the Bosom Buddies suport group there the first day I went for chemo and I realise now how that brief chat helped me with my entire chemo experience as she provided invaluable, practical advice. Maybe will go to their next meeting.
Also kinda anxious - trying not to be - re the swelling on my neck. Doctor felt it and said it was soft but if it did not go away, might have to go for a scan. It is still swollen. Just praying that it is just swelling of the lymph from the radiation, like my left breast is swollen, a typical reaction.

reader from brazil

Wow! Someone from Brazil has been reading this blog. And have more readers in the US than the UK. And think most of my own friends, apart from a handful, don't read it. Interesting that. Wish my main topic was more cheerful.
Had a dip this afternoon. Left work early - at 4pm - and The Main Man saw me and I didn't even care cos was feeling yuch. The truth was that I had looked in the mirror earlier and I had looked like a ghost - so pale and wan. Then came home and ate and felt momentarily better than went to sleep, feeling shit. And can u believe it? My state-of-the-art thermometer is in another bag and not here with me. And all because I bought a beautiful new black leather bag - super large - and did not transfer all my goodies into it.
Also, this afternoon there was an announcement - well, at least that is when I saw it; this morning it was a different story - that special votes for the disabled, those who gonna be out the country etc - well, registration would be allowed until 5pm today (it had previously been said it had closed on March 27). Well silly ol' me, who is usually so organised, did not arrange a special vote and now I am hassled that I will not be able to vote in the general elections on Wednesday.
Oh the point I was making that my ID book is not in my new bag and cannot register for special vote - would have been allowed to vote straight away. And as I saw it only at a few minutes to 4pm, and registration closed at 5pm, there was no time to go collect it and make it for voting. Plus I did not feel well enough for the mad dash.
Cliche, cliche, yes, but really dislike being sick. But ok now I think. At least I woke up before my alarm went off - although had increased the sleeping time twice - and now gonna see if I get up outta bed and do the few things I had planned to do tonight.
Damn this chemo and the immune-compromised week it brings. On the other hand, welcome the chemo because at least there is something that can make me better.

the start of....

It is Sunday morning and the start of my immune-compromised week. Cannot deny that I am rather terrified as to what might happen to me. It covers days 7 to 14 from the day of chemo treatment and last time I got throat thrush and could not eat solids for just over a day and then only soft foods for a few days. The time before my blood counts went low and I felt dreadful and had to leave work and then go for blood test at night at hospital and then go on antibiotics and....
Essentially am not allowed to public places in this time... except for work and can go grocery shopping - just quickly.

But must say - thoroughly enjoyed the time of my weekend I could go out!

tip for splitting nails

Forgot to mention the other day that my beauticians gave me a good tip for how to help nails which threaten to split down the middle, thanks to the chemo. (By the way, looking for more info on the effect of chemo on one's nails, if anyone can point me in the right direction?)
Well, anyway, they said use nail polish. Even colourless. Need the polish to protect the nail from splitting.

a bit shellshocked

Someone close to me has been diagnosed with cancer and I feel a bit shellshocked. Not sure what I feel, which I suppose is not a good thing, but guess I will get there. Kinda suspected it for a few days and was upset so when the test results came today I feel numb.

It is all so fakking scary.

That person has to have an operation which is high risk so it is scary.

Otherwise have been plagued by numbers. Firstly, got confused as to which day was actually day 7 after treatment. If had chemo last Monday, then I had incorrectly calculated day 7 to be this Monday when in fact it was Sunday. So maybe was a good thing did not feel amazing and apart from a fairly lengthy visit to Pick n Pay, did not go out.

Secondly, miscalculated the number of hats I bought. Now this is really irrelevant but see I wrote I had bought 11, but in fact I bought 8. Then two more from Young Designers Emporium so have 10, not the 13 I thought.

Then am working out the number of chemo side-effects I have. Don't actually want to compile the list and don't think I will print it but it's at least a handful. Two at the moment are worrying (for me) but that is just being miff.

And don't really feel miff right now. Shellshocked, yes. In despair, no. Anxious, yes.

Incidentally in the past week have not done a single exercise. One restorative yoga pose once, and that's it. Planned to do the feet up at about 5am this morning when woke up for second time but was so damn cold, went back to bed visualising about five blankets being put on top of me so that I could fall asleep again.

Life is upside down but kinda getting used to these quiet nights.

sunday evening musings

Started feeling ill walking around Pick n Pay supermarket today and I wasn't even wielding a trolley or carrying a basket. My friend said I looked like I was just going to make it to the car, in other words, dreadful.
Spent much of this weekend not feeling so great which meant that apart from the fab dance umbrella gala show on Friday night and brief shopping on Saturday followed by lunch, did not go gallivanting this weekend.
Sipping ginger beer now (think it helps).
But otherwise, weekend was ok. Read more of the paper than I normally do even if much of it was boring, apart from some of Lifestyle and Travel & Food, which is always my favourite section. Mail & Guardian was boring too. Mike spoke this week of the problem of dull, boring and predictable papers.... mmmm.....

Oh incidentally, although am almost bald, finding the hairloss far less of an issue than before. The other side-effects of the chemo are far more debilitating such my still messed up tummy - despite The Tango Man's insistance that it did not seem to be a chemo side effect, not the way I had described it - and also, the dizziness I feel if I exert myself too much.

Oh, and once more bravo to yoga. Was about to take a pill for severe stomach cramps when did the feet up restorative pose instead, and voila! The pain subsided without the need for medication. Ok, it must have taken about 30 minutes but it went and is now gone.

Had some confusion today re whether tomorrow or tomorrow is seven days from treatment which was on Monday. But either way, this week is a non-going out week, apart from work, as my immune system will be compromised from last Monday's chemo. Hope I do some reading. Philip Roth's The Plot against America is darn heavy to keep carting around.

Oh and Friday, or it could be Saturday, marked eight years without smoking. Can barely believe it myself.

ho hum

In the middle of my low immune week - 7 -14 days after chemo treatment. Not a good day healthwise but thanks to modern medicine, one magic pill took away the symptoms if not the yucky feeling.
Went to my new favourite food shop - Huamin Chinese sushi bar in Barry Hertzog, Emmerentia - and bought chicken and corn soup (only R10) and masses of avo maki for lunch which was wonderfully revitalising.
Gonna discard the lettuce, sprouts, veggies and most of the fruit I bought yesterday cos of my super-sensitive stomach and will stick to tasteless tofu (it's truly tasteless when cooked without spices) and other such mundane foods for the next few days.
Watching Idols on TV and it's disappointing.