Wednesday, May 20, 2009

desperately seeking tranquility

had planned this whole piece about how i want one, no, not one, about three tranquil days - maybe even a week - at the risk of getting bored, ending up saying how the truth is probably finding the tranquility within myself.
But now too damn tired to elucidate all that, and all cos i worked quite latish to make up for coming in late cos of radiation. Plus saw the doctor and no, nothing wrong with my chest - was breathing shallowly cos i am panicking is the only possibility. Did cough quite frantically just now again.
Good news is that can go back to gym. Let's rephrase that: must go back to gym but cannot get too sweaty or out of breath. So going to get biokineticist at the gym (my former brilliant biokineticist Dalena is off to live in Namibia). Booked an assessment for Tuesday. Said I want a brilliant highly-experienced bio. Scared if do it on my own will under-perform rather than over-perform, cos have this desperate need to protect myself. Everything makes me anxious. Even the thought of exerise as The Tango Man was adamant about no gym but no the chemo is over and it's radiation time. Actually very excited about going back to gym. Going to be quite emotional but happy emotional. The first time I drove passed the gym, after I had been banned from going, I felt quite tearful. Even now, can barely bring myself to look at the building cos was so happy going there. Now going to be happy going there again. Gonna be kinda awkward though: gymming in a hat, like the frummes (religious Jews).

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