is it possible not to be a cancer victim?

Everything one reads about it, and everything people such as therapists suggest, is not be a victim of cancer. Take control, they say, you are not your cancer (believe that is the title of a book), blah blah blah.
Well it is damn difficult. Because as a patient, you are acted upon by doctors. No matter how much reading you do and how much u educate yourself on the subject, these doctors have years of training and years of experience and so know far more. And although it is frustrating that say the oncologist does not discuss - in detail - all the possible side effects of the chemo, maybe it's better cos who knows which side effects you are going to have?
And another thing. Still pretty overwhelmed by the fact that the cancer is gone - don't wanna make it mine, "my cancer", not wishing for that level of intimacy with it -- but it is not over, not yet. Still somewhat anxious/concerned about the upcoming radiation but even more so, know it far far from over as still have the chemo within me. My mouth still feels funny 'cos it still has thrush and since this afternoon, post-bookclub, have a shit taste in my mouth. And my hands and arms are still sore - burnt veins from the chemo - and although i ate a side salad tonight, don't think will do that again in a hurry. It irritated my tongue a little and the baked potato part of my meal was far better.
Thinking.... it's not that I feel like a victim but it's damn hard to take control when your doctors hold the upper hand and when your body is dictating how you feel and what you can do and what you can eat.

The night before....

Stompie Selibe - not the artwork I bought, but the artist

Very cold here, well, for Africa. Was storming and hailing earlier but only for a few minutes but am contemplating making a hot water bottle. As it is, am wrapped in an orange fleece blanket.
It is evening. Night really; it's dark. My throat is sore and my mouth still feels funny. Hope the thrush is not spreading to my throat. One good thing about the yellow thrush medication is that it does stop me eating for a while as it needs to seep into my pores. Been eating almost non-stop since came back from work. Bought Mozart frozen yoghurt on my way back - raspberry and granadilla flavours - but have not touched that which is now safely ensconced in the freezer. Instead been eating sweet melon and brie cheese and rye braed toast (not all together) and pitless dates. Delicious.
Well, tomorrow is kind of a D-Day but then again it's not. Every day of this process, to quote the doctor I saw yesterday - when I first got diagnosed and asked: "what now?" he had replied "oh,it's just a process".... humph!!!! - well every day of this process, this journey, this experience, this ordeal, this whatever, brings new insights and revelations and feelings.
Yesterday my scans were clear - and he even scanned the area around my collarbone without my mentioning that there had been a scare there might be a cancerous lump there. He had made my day by saying that if I were a first time patient he would never have known I have/had had cancer.
But now tomorrow I go see The Tango Man and The Composer. And a decision will be made re what treatment next. And although yesterday's doctor said no operation, in his view, I have already seen The Composer twice and he was talking masectomy. Yesterday's doctor - oh he needs a name, doesn't he - said they will quote statistics at me as to why I need an operation. Feel scared. Gonna have to obey as it were but it is too awful to contemplate and will wait to tomorrow although get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
Talking of eyes, it reminds me that I went to see the opthalmologist today. And the blurry feeling I have been having, the sometimes blurred vision, is from exceptionally dry eyes caused by the chemo.
Very sad to hear she got divorced in February. Her husband thought she was too old, she said, after 35 years of being together, 32 of them married. "It's a cliche," she said, "but it's true. And funny, never thought he was a cliche kind of man". My heart goes out to her. He is also a doctor.
Anyway, reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie S Siegel. www.amazon.com/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Self-Healing-Exceptional/dp/0060919833 These books/stories only make sense when they are relevant to you and this one, about a positive attitude and one's immune system and so healing oneself (think that's what it's about) is making a lot of sense to me at the moment.
And at the back of my mind lurks the image of the artwork, think it's referred to as a monotype whatever that is, which I am collecting next week at the end of the exhibition, and how mournful it is, of skeletal bodies and even though I was chirpy was all hell when I bought it, wondering why I chose such a sad image. In the mood I am in now, want something bright and bouncy or even serene. Mmm... maybe not serene, that sounds corny. But in a way quite looking forward to seeing it again. Bizarre that I chose such a mournful pic from an exhibition full of jazz pics.

More about Bernie S Siegel:
www.spiritsite.com/writing/bersie

More about Stompie Selibe, the artist whose work I bought:


Civil Rights: Songs of Hope and Struggle
October 18, 2004

African-American singer, songwriter, and educator Jane Sapp collaborated with South African artist, musician, and educator Stompie Selibe in a program of freedom songs that speak out against inequality, racism, and injustice. With words that express courage and dreams, anger and hurt, strength and hope, this music inspired and united oppressed people, accompanying them in their long march toward freedom. Lessons drawn from the MUUS Unit on the American Civil Rights Movement and the South African Anti-Apartheid Movement preceded this program. For the 4th grade.

Jane Sapp (Mel King Fellow at MIT, Director of Voices of Today), African-American educator, musician, performer, and songwriter has made a career as an activist in civil rights and community organizing. She has worked for the past twenty-five years to develop techniques that help the silenced find their voices through the arts.

Stompie Selibe is a South African artist, musician, and art educator. He is deeply committed to empowering disadvantaged individuals and communities in South Africa, and has been involved in several South African outreach programs in the areas of education, health, and poverty relief. His work in Africa promotes reconciliation in divided communities through African drumming, music, and song.
Taken from:
musicunitesus.info/performances.html

feeling much better

Feeling so much better. My mouth isn't but I am. In bed and it's fab. Determined to get my mouth better. Big day, well morning really, of tests tomorrow. Gotta get my mouth better. Even if I have to spend most of the week in bed.
oh and this wasn't posted at the time it says - but at about 10.40pm

quick note on chemo

I know and am grateful that chemotherapy can help me but fak it can also hurt you. Think I have been constantly at odds, apart from a day or two when I went away, since the last time I had chemo. Maybe not, but it sure feels like it.
The latest is my mouth. One ulcer on the side but can barely feel it and in fact, not even sure it's still there. However,my entire mouth feels funny: the upper palate too smooth, the tongue not ideal, the taste pretty yuck. Phoned the oncology centre and they told me to continue with the "yellow daffodils" as I now call it, the emulsion for mouth thrush.
Need to cheer myself up. Hope the beautician will do that although it's one I don't know. Off for a mani and pedi.