Sunday, May 10, 2009

is it possible not to be a cancer victim?

Everything one reads about it, and everything people such as therapists suggest, is not be a victim of cancer. Take control, they say, you are not your cancer (believe that is the title of a book), blah blah blah.
Well it is damn difficult. Because as a patient, you are acted upon by doctors. No matter how much reading you do and how much u educate yourself on the subject, these doctors have years of training and years of experience and so know far more. And although it is frustrating that say the oncologist does not discuss - in detail - all the possible side effects of the chemo, maybe it's better cos who knows which side effects you are going to have?
And another thing. Still pretty overwhelmed by the fact that the cancer is gone - don't wanna make it mine, "my cancer", not wishing for that level of intimacy with it -- but it is not over, not yet. Still somewhat anxious/concerned about the upcoming radiation but even more so, know it far far from over as still have the chemo within me. My mouth still feels funny 'cos it still has thrush and since this afternoon, post-bookclub, have a shit taste in my mouth. And my hands and arms are still sore - burnt veins from the chemo - and although i ate a side salad tonight, don't think will do that again in a hurry. It irritated my tongue a little and the baked potato part of my meal was far better.
Thinking.... it's not that I feel like a victim but it's damn hard to take control when your doctors hold the upper hand and when your body is dictating how you feel and what you can do and what you can eat.

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