three months since i was diagnosed

Today is three months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. No primary tumour. Hormone receptive. Not sure it get any better. Not sure. No longer under such a high level of anxiety re my hair loss but not happy about it - it's gone with a thin layer of regrowth and rapidly thinning eyebrows - but it is definately less of a hassle than before. Less of an intense hassle.

But now getting hassled about herceptin. It is way down the line in my treatment, I think, but it seems one takes it for ages and ages - spoke to someone who took it for two and a half years but one year seems to be the norm, if there is such a thing as a norm with cancer treatment, and really, I want to be free of cancer and treatments.

www.cancer.org/aspx/blog/Comments.aspx?id=29

More importantly about today though, is that it is one month since my mother's funeral. Makes me very sad. She died very suddenly and I miss her terribly. We all do.

almost an ordinary day

Almost had an ordinary day. Woke up far earlier than usual cos had to be at workshop downtown, did 20 minutes exercises (hell, it almost felt like going to gym and then getting on with the day), then went to the workshop which was both in a stimulating environment as well as stimulating itself (see previous posting), then finished an hour earlier than would have finished work, so rushed around town like a lunatic - well, no different than before, dashing off to the listeners' library, anxiously listening to the last few minutes outside the shop with only minutes to go to their closing time; collecting someone's birthday present, dropping it off at them; quickly doing some grocery shopping and taking it home; making two calls; then stopping off to collect chinese chicken corn soup (my new favourite food by far) and then dashing off to a friend.
It was almost a day freed from cancer neurosis or awareness. Was animated at workshop, especially in the beginning and forgot I should be anxious re wearing a hat especially among my work colleagues, most of whom I don't work with directly and so don't know. Then thought about what The Yoga Man had said ages ago: if you work around feeling hairless and hassled, then people will look; if you work around hairless and happy, people won't notice. And it was only at lunchtime that someone came up to me, touched by arm and asked how I am. Oh (earlier someone else had done the same but that was someone I see everyday so he knew.)Oh not saying people did not notice but I was clearly ok so it was a non-issue.
Then breezed around after the workshop as if nothing was different.
It is only now that the fact that I have cancer has hit me. Well, become an issue. Cos I feel drained, exhausted, wrecked and it is only 9.30pm. Energy not quite at its peak but hell felt wo