Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Terrified of tests

In a week's time, I am scheduled to have a mammogram, a chest-ray, an abdominal scan and blood tests and then, the following week, on Monday February 20, I see The Tango Man.
To say I feel nervous would be an understatement. I keep visualising myself at the different places for the tests and wondering how I will feel if they are not ok.
Apart from the blood tests, the results of which I will get only when I see the doctor on the Monday, all the others I will know straight away. It begins with the mammogram on Wednesday at 10am. I know I did this before, since I have had cancer, but I feel super stressed. I go to sleep at about midnight and then wake up at about 3am. Then I don't sleep for ages and wake up at about 6am to do my manual lymph drainage massage.
I pray I am ok. I feel fine. I also know that that doesn't mean much although one cannot help thinking that if my body were riddled with cancer, surely I would not feel ok? Dunno.
The time I had cancer, I had had a mammogram and scan, was told to come back in a year, and then, in just under two months, found a lump on the side of my chest while showering. That was on the morning of Christmas Eve in 2009. I never thought it was cancer, not under those circumstances, but I did go to the doctor the same day. My GP.
I don't think I have ever recovered from the shock of finding out that I had cancer. Not me. I was super fit, super healthy, a bit fat but otherwise fine. And even a therapist had told me I had no need of therapy as I dealt with all my problems. I was feeling on top of the world. Now I am riddled with anxiety. Not 24/7 luckily, but think about the upcoming tests a lot.


  1. I know how you're feeling. I'm 7 years out from my diagnosis & it gets a bit easier, but we'll always have that nagging feeling somewhere in the pit of our stomachs. I'm betting you'll be just fine.


  2. Thanks. Your words are appreciated. Felt sick with worry but, for now, feeling much better.