Sunday, June 12, 2011

Has it taken over my life?

The happiness I felt at being told I was ok on Friday, after seeing The Tango Man for my four-monthly check-up, was kinda overtaken by what The Yoga Man said to me later that night.
He seemed really reluctant to discuss it - I was overjoyed, so relieved that I was still ok and also that I can now increase my cardio exercise by 5 minutes - that I was kinda miffed he didn't seem to share my enthusiasm and relief.
"Do you realise that not a day goes by when you don't talk about cancer?" he said. I was shocked. It doesn't feel that way at all. Yes, I was anxious about my check-up 'cos when I was diagnosed I felt perfect and had just had a mammogram and scan and been given the all-clear (under two months before I found a lump) and so I know that feeling fine means bugger-all; and yes, I have been anxious about developing lymphedema 'cos I am borderline and did spend about 6 weeks last year wearing a damn compression sleeve. But I have recently reduced my appointments with The Lymph Lady to every second week and feel that I am getting better about my anxiety re my arm.
Furthermore, it feels like the treatments like chemo and radiation and herceptin are becoming more of a distant memory, I barely complain about tamoxifen, so what's the big deal? I thought I am handling it fine.
Wrong, it appears. Every single day I say something about it, it appears, even if it's a "damn, I have to do my lymph (massage) now" or "shit my arm feels awful, look it's thicker here, what do you think?" or "oh no, listen to what happened to XXX... on her (cancer) blog she says.....".
Then to top it all I went to a breast cancer awareness breakfast today. Not that into going and find it ludicrous to dress up in pink for the occasion and wonder where the money actually goes, but I do enjoy it I guess although sometimes the speakers annoy me as they talk rubbish (the breast surgeons appear to the worst), but my sister goes with her friends and how they all know I have had breast cancer so how can I not go? And listening to a man talk about having had breast cancer was interesting.
Anyhow, The Yoga Man did ask how the breakfast went, which kinda surprised me.
However, it does appear I am not so "over it" as I thought. Oh well...

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