sometimes it's the calm afterwards that can be so stressful

Have had some breathing space. No more dramas like finding that hard bit (can't think of how else to describe it) at the bottom of my left breast, and when I saw The Lymph Lady on Monday she said my arm was now so good that after the next visit (in two week's time cos she is going away so had to cancel my appointment on Monday), can look at coming less and less. Wow! Delighted, not least cos of the expense. Although the medical aid pays most of it back, having about R400 to pay once a week (R392.60 to be exact) is quite a huge outlay. Look, the lymph treatment has cost thousands but it's been worth it.
Ok, ok, today my arm did not feel brilliant, but one of the reasons it's been great is that I have been eating less and less and so losing weight and so my arm has got better. Then last night I had about a glass of wine and ate masses of food - all veggies as in steamed asparagus with diet mayo, salad but with avo, and roast butternut, garlic and marrows - and gained weight. Hungry now actually...

Anyway, I find I now have time to think back and remember. To think about the time I had treatment, the time I couldn't go out (to public places) cos my immune system was vulnerable from the chemo (one week after treatment, for a week), to think about what's happened. And I almost feel I want to go back to therapy. Well, have thought that a lot. Don't think I am unstable or unbalanced, just that it feels kinda ....overwhelming? But don't have money for therapy, even though my medical aid will buy for about six months worth, or the bulk of it for six months, I don't have the spare cash to pay for it before I get the money back, ie, to pay upfront. Look, if it was dire, I would make a plan. It's not. Just thinking back a bit. And so glad time has passed and I am well. And glad that time has passed and so it is all something that happened in the past.
And I am so glad I am writing this blog and keeping a record of it all, a record of what I feel and think and.. caught a radio programme this evening about breast cancer and I realised how much I know, partly because I had cancer and also because of this blog and the others I have read and those I read regularly: Julie Goodale's Fitness for Survivors,Robyn Semanko's I am 30 years old and have breast cancer and the remarkable Daria's Living with Cancer/.