Friday, July 3, 2009

i know people mean well but.....

I get damn annoyed, inside me, when people say: "Oh, you are sooooo brave". I know they mean well but actually, what do they mean? I try to look stony faced but probably just glare and mumble something about being fine. But really,what do they mean? Where have I been brave? Am i brave by being at the same dinner party with them, by not being home and sulking? Dunno what they mean.
All I have done is been on this journey because I have no choice.
And the truth is that the situation I am in now is one of the worst I have been in. My fingers are no longer stiff and sore; but my upper arm above the elbow towards the back is distinctly swollen. On Tuesday I see the lymph expert again but this is what radiation has done to me. I can pray it's just temporary; else it's lymphoedema and a chronic problem that won't go away. And I thought, from the reading I had done, that it mainly happened to those who had surgery with lymph node removal and then radiation. I had no surgery, kinda plain-sailed through chemo and radiation and now have this. Started when radiation finished. Well between the second last and last treatment.
Was also horrified today to hear of someone who was on this hormone treatment, which i think i have to go on too but not sure, and felt so nauseous that half way through they gave up. Ok the person concerned is 83 and i am not but still, doesn't sound too good, does it? Oh well on Monday see two oncologists, the main one plus the radiation one so will find out more then.
But damn lymphoedema and damn swelling. Go away; i don't want you.

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