why do i want a cigarette?

I feel like a cigarette yet I have not smoked for eight years. Find that terrifying. This is not the first time I have felt like one and in fact have not dared even have a puff - always say if I have one puff, I'll have a cigarette then I will vomit and then go out and buy a packet. I think it's psychological; want to be filled, miss the experience and feel in need of some comfort.

On a more down-to-earth note, had my crown fitted today and can see why it was not allowed while on chemo. In fact, the maxilla-facial surgeon and the dentist were ignorant - the procedure lends itself to possible infection and in fact it was damn sore as they pressed it down onto my gums. The Yoga Man says it's because the chemo affected my gums.

Otherwise, very happy that ate some herring tonight - that's a good sign that my taste is going back to normal.

Popped into Stax to buy a hand blender but they only had a Bosch one for over R1000 and even the assistant looked sceptical, saying they usually have a Sunbeam one for R150, someother make for R350 and a Kenwood for about R550. Following the other night's successful soup wanted to make tomato soup but wanted a hand/stick blender rather than a jug, although my sister says it's not as good.

After my unsuccessful excursion to Stax, popped into what used to be my favourite shop, the fish shop, to see if they had sprats but no such luck. Then looked at the Matjes herring and it looked appealing, so bought it - and ate some when got back. And it is nice. Used to have it for breakfast on pumpernickel bread every morning before I started treatment for cancer. So very happy. Want to lose some weight and also want to eat healthier like I used to (pre chemo).

This is now my fifth week without chemo. Funnily enough, been more tired than before. Bouncy and chirpy as all hell for most of the day, then get tired. Now wondering if I am going to write up that interview tonight as planned, and as I need to.