I am more fragile than I like to admit. Realised that tonight when I felt so awful and just crumbled in a heap under my duvet and went to sleep. Only later when I searched in vain for my thermometer, did I realise that oh my goodness, could be ill. And did I have to phone The Tango Man? It is the vulnerability, my vulnerability that is so difficult to handle. To accept. That one minute I can be ok and the next feel dreadful.
And woke up last night, one of my many times in the middle of the night and realised how overwhelmed I was by the upheavals of the last few months: diagnosed with cancer, then my mom diagnosed with cancer and she dying five days later when her diagnosis had not been bad. I still cannot understand that even though I spoke to the surgeon who had diagnosed her.
And this chemo. People don't understand, and why should I expect them to cos I certainly did not know, did not even think about it; that the hair loss is the issue. Yes it is awful and yes, it can be embarrassing and yes, it can make you feel ill at ease but really, that is not what chemo is about and that is not the worst thing about chemo. It is the most obvious but really the least significant. It is things like suddenly feeling dreadful, suddenly feeling ill in a way that cannot be described and then lying down and both hands and arms hurt like hell where chemo has burnt the veins... ja, chemo is not about hair loss. That is just the obvious part.