Thursday, January 5, 2012

I am a bit fiery

I am not so happy with myself today. Kinda exploded earlier. I don't take instruction well. I don't take any instruction in fact. I like to do what I want to do. And unfortunately inefficiency drives me dilly. Be that as it may, I am ok now and I don't like to linger on things. But sitting here quietly has helped. It is in fact hours since I 'lost it' and it was only momentary anyway. And then an hour later, after I was sent an email saying my outburst was uncalled-for, I did apologise, also by email, not because I meant it but to keep the peace for the foreseable future.
Anyway, started my day at the oncology centre. Was so uptight about the visit, an unscheduled one, that when I arrived at work realised I had forgotten to wash the conditioner out of my hair which was now lined with this film of soapy solution. So stuck my head under the tap and walked into the office with soaking wet hair.....
I had had a pain below my collar bone since Tuesday. Was pretty sure it was just from gym cos it started on Tuesday a  fter I had been to gym and the firm lymph massage I get from The Lymph Lady2 later that morning made it hurt. But did I really know it was just that? And when I spoke to my biokineticist on Wednesday and went though the exercises I had done the day before, she didn't think that had caused it....
To be on the safe side, I went to the oncology centre this morning. I long ago gave up on phoning. All their staff who were there when I had treatment have left, with the one dying shortly after, and they don't know me and I don't know them. In fact, am grateful that this year didn't give them Christmas presents. Have fortunately spent so little time there that it didn't even enter my consciousness.
Anyway, I just pitched. I explained I was a patient of The Tango Man, and two nurses examined me right there in the reception area. Look, in the past when I have pitched with a problem, they have called The Tango Man but that was when they knew me. Mmm.. that is maybe worrying that I am not getting that attention.
They did offer to bring my appointment forward (going at end of February) but I declined. Both said it was muscular/ligaments. Nothing there, they said.
Relief. That would be an understatement.
I had decided that if the pain meant the cancer was in my bones, would have resigned from work, borrowed some money that I would get from my pension fund and go somewhere for a week at least before starting treatment.
Luckily I am fine. And in retrospect, resigning would have perhaps not been the right thing to do as work can keep one "normal" and sane.....
My arm is unfortunately not great. Hasn't stabilised. Was up 1 and a half cm in more places this week but down in others. Might wear the compression sleeve but tomorrow is a gym day and the thought of wearing it for gym.... either with my arm and sleeve exposed (it is a heatwave here) or gyming in long sleeves.....think I can manage another day without it.
Going to do lymph massage now. This constant routine, dedication, discipline, whatever.... can be a bit painful but damn better than wearing the sleeve all the time.

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