then and now - just an inkling

Was trying to download a pic I had taken of some flowers growing from a cactus in a pot, so was going through the pictures on my computer when I came across this one titled 'stubble".
Taken on February 27 last year - I started chemo for breast cancer on February 5, world cancer day - it shows how my hair was falling out. It never fell out completely; there was always stubble at the top and back, with only the sides completely bald.
I couldn't stop staring at this pic. Think my hair went a little thinner than this, but not much. Today my hair is a mass of curls, chemo curls, they call it.
When I showed this pic to The Yoga Man, he showed me a pic of my face at the time. Mmm.. much thinner. About 7kg less than I weigh now. At present my weight is 2.4kg up from when I was diagnosed on January 15 last year, and 1kg up from last week, but still 3kg down from what it was two months ago.
So essentially during chemo, during the time I went off salads and protein barring tofu and boiled eggs, and during which I had bouts of throat thrush and could consume only liquids and mashed bananas and soft-boiled eggs, I lost only 5kg. Actually, think it was only 4kg.
Mmm.. meanwhile, luckily now my arm is ok. On Monday the measurements were the same as the previous Monday. And I have decided to see The Lymph Lady weekly - instead of the bi-weekly I used to do at one stage - until such time as my arm is stable and I feel ok about it. As in calm and unhassled. I cannot live with the stress I went through about a week ago with my arm. Not good for me.
I am, however, flying - but only a short 2-hour flight - next week. That might throw it out. Plus I need to lose that extra almost 1kg I have gained, else that too could throw it out. But generally much happier when my arm is ok, when it's behaving, as it were.

learning to accept

I have just been chastised for not accepting that I am on chemo and therefore immune compromised. And it's true. I am sicker than I want to accept or, rather, I should not be so upset when something goes wrong physically. I should just accept it. And just deal with it.
So when I felt an ulcer inside my mouth just now, I should not get hysterical envisaging the throat thrush that made me unable to eat solids, but merely think: Ok, I have an ulcer; where is my yellow emulsion to treat it? Cos let's face it, it's not throat thrush yet and there is no need for it to deteriorate and become that. And it's not surprising that my immune is compromised and therefore I am getting an ulcer. That is what happens when one is on chemo.
Sjoe! Gonna have to learn a whole new way of thinking.

bizarre state of affairs

Am in the process of packing for a holiday I am not sure gonna go on. Throat is damn sore but not sure it is thrush as last time it wasn't just sore on its own but only when I ate and this time the liquid daffodils emulsion is not working.
Son I phoned the oncology centre and they told me to go for a blood test, a full blood count, which I did tonight.
Which brings me to the packing.
If my blood test is ok, and it's just a sore throat, I can go away. If it's not ok, then I cannot go. And who knows, might need antibiotics and ... I am speculating.
In the interim, I am packing as if leaving straight from work.
And as it's a road trip, I am not restricted by anything like weight or whether or not my case is easily manouvered, so I am piling in the clothes although, ironically, even if I do go, can only go out to the wedding on Sunday night and then able to go out again on Monday, which is also the day we would be leaving (Monday is a public holiday). So why I need all these clothes, I dunno.
Anyway.... here's to getting the blood test results tomorrow.

voting day

Voted today. Was a bit of an idiot and should have arranged special voting ahead of time (this is during my post-chemo immune-compromised week) but I didn't and survived. Ok, did not realise when I went to vote at crack of dawn, well, arrived there just before the polling station opened at 7am, that I had mild throat thrush but luckily most of the queing was outside and then when there was a crushed bit in a narrow passage, I wore my scarf over my mouth and nose and then when saw an escape route, waited outside till I could rejoin my place in the queue.Then was damn careful that when they took my hand, first to place a thumbprint on a piece of paper 'cos was not voting in my constituency, and then shortly thereafter to put an ink mark on my thumb to show I had voted, that they did not hurt me. Just said: "I have a problem and my hand is sore; please be gentle".
Anyway, great camaraderie in the queue and all in all a fab experience. Now for the results!!!
Oh, back to my throat. Have throat thrush again. Again it hurts only when I eat but this time can eat soft solids. Taking loads of my liquid daffodils (not being negative by calling it yellow gunge anymore) but it's still there. And cannot take too much. Last night doubled the dose (leaflet says you can do that) but it made me throw up which just made me cry so being a bit more careful today.
But did decide to stay indoors today. So although not at home, did not pop into the office today as had intended to. Fak the good PR I thought it would be, just plan on going in earlier tomorrow. My health and wellbeing is far more important and having throat thrush is an indication of a low immune system so the less people I come into contact with the better.
And been reading which is great. Hoping to finish my book tonight, if I don't spend too long chattering away on facebook! It is Reginald Hill's A Cure for all diseases - a Dalziel & Pascoe novel. Not brilliant and took ages and ages to warm up, but not a bad thriller.

how can i be funny if i have a sore throat?

Everyone (ok, that's an exaggeration), about two people have told me that they have enjoyed cancer blogs which are funny. Sure. So how do you get to be funny if your throat is sore and you think it might be throat thrush again? Or how do you get to be funny if it's just a bloody sore throat - something which is gonna stop me from doing the one thing I am looking forward to.
Getting used to the idea (well, sort of getting used to it) of not being able to plan beyond the next two weeks when I go for tests but have one thing before then I am really looking forward to: Sunday night. IF I am well can go to this wedding in Maseru in Lesotho which is on the last night of my immune-compromised week. But only IF. And now not feeling too good. "Want malaria pills?" asked my friend now. "Malaria? What for? What do you mean?" "Well, you are taking everything else!" And it's true. Throat lozenges, liquid daffodils (my new, positive name for the yellow emulsion which works for ulcers and throat thrush) as well as Panados.
Oh dear. And anyway, I am hardly funny anyway, cancer or no cancer, impending throat problem or no impending throat problem.
Oh, it's elections here tomorrow. Maybe that is a joke.

the start of....

It is Sunday morning and the start of my immune-compromised week. Cannot deny that I am rather terrified as to what might happen to me. It covers days 7 to 14 from the day of chemo treatment and last time I got throat thrush and could not eat solids for just over a day and then only soft foods for a few days. The time before my blood counts went low and I felt dreadful and had to leave work and then go for blood test at night at hospital and then go on antibiotics and....
Essentially am not allowed to public places in this time... except for work and can go grocery shopping - just quickly.

But must say - thoroughly enjoyed the time of my weekend I could go out!