don't understand myself

My sister phoned and asked if I wanted to go to a talk on breast cancer one Sunday morning in June from 9.30am to 12. It's a fundraiser and someone she knows/knows of who has had breast cancer will talk. I said "yes" but the truth is I don't want to go. Will go because I feel I should, rather than want to. In truth, the thought of getting up early on a Sunday to do that... maybe if the talk was along the lines of the book I am reading www.amazon.com/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Self-Healing-Exceptional/dp/0060919833, about how to boost your own immune system and so heal yourself, but just about breast cancer.... dunno. I kinda feel removed from breast cancer. Yes I know I have it but I don't have anything which is obviously in the boob and as I have kept saying to people who said: "Are you going to have a lumpectomy (everyone's favourite word relating to breast cancer as it alleviates the need for a dreaded masectomy)?" - "NO! You cannot have a lumpectomy if you don't have a lump." The truth is not all lumps in the breast are suitable for lumpectomy anyway.

Oh well. Of course I will go to the talk but kinda wonder why I felt so averse to it. Feel better about it now that I have written about it.

The night before....

Stompie Selibe - not the artwork I bought, but the artist

Very cold here, well, for Africa. Was storming and hailing earlier but only for a few minutes but am contemplating making a hot water bottle. As it is, am wrapped in an orange fleece blanket.
It is evening. Night really; it's dark. My throat is sore and my mouth still feels funny. Hope the thrush is not spreading to my throat. One good thing about the yellow thrush medication is that it does stop me eating for a while as it needs to seep into my pores. Been eating almost non-stop since came back from work. Bought Mozart frozen yoghurt on my way back - raspberry and granadilla flavours - but have not touched that which is now safely ensconced in the freezer. Instead been eating sweet melon and brie cheese and rye braed toast (not all together) and pitless dates. Delicious.
Well, tomorrow is kind of a D-Day but then again it's not. Every day of this process, to quote the doctor I saw yesterday - when I first got diagnosed and asked: "what now?" he had replied "oh,it's just a process".... humph!!!! - well every day of this process, this journey, this experience, this ordeal, this whatever, brings new insights and revelations and feelings.
Yesterday my scans were clear - and he even scanned the area around my collarbone without my mentioning that there had been a scare there might be a cancerous lump there. He had made my day by saying that if I were a first time patient he would never have known I have/had had cancer.
But now tomorrow I go see The Tango Man and The Composer. And a decision will be made re what treatment next. And although yesterday's doctor said no operation, in his view, I have already seen The Composer twice and he was talking masectomy. Yesterday's doctor - oh he needs a name, doesn't he - said they will quote statistics at me as to why I need an operation. Feel scared. Gonna have to obey as it were but it is too awful to contemplate and will wait to tomorrow although get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
Talking of eyes, it reminds me that I went to see the opthalmologist today. And the blurry feeling I have been having, the sometimes blurred vision, is from exceptionally dry eyes caused by the chemo.
Very sad to hear she got divorced in February. Her husband thought she was too old, she said, after 35 years of being together, 32 of them married. "It's a cliche," she said, "but it's true. And funny, never thought he was a cliche kind of man". My heart goes out to her. He is also a doctor.
Anyway, reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie S Siegel. www.amazon.com/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Self-Healing-Exceptional/dp/0060919833 These books/stories only make sense when they are relevant to you and this one, about a positive attitude and one's immune system and so healing oneself (think that's what it's about) is making a lot of sense to me at the moment.
And at the back of my mind lurks the image of the artwork, think it's referred to as a monotype whatever that is, which I am collecting next week at the end of the exhibition, and how mournful it is, of skeletal bodies and even though I was chirpy was all hell when I bought it, wondering why I chose such a sad image. In the mood I am in now, want something bright and bouncy or even serene. Mmm... maybe not serene, that sounds corny. But in a way quite looking forward to seeing it again. Bizarre that I chose such a mournful pic from an exhibition full of jazz pics.

More about Bernie S Siegel:
www.spiritsite.com/writing/bersie

More about Stompie Selibe, the artist whose work I bought:


Civil Rights: Songs of Hope and Struggle
October 18, 2004

African-American singer, songwriter, and educator Jane Sapp collaborated with South African artist, musician, and educator Stompie Selibe in a program of freedom songs that speak out against inequality, racism, and injustice. With words that express courage and dreams, anger and hurt, strength and hope, this music inspired and united oppressed people, accompanying them in their long march toward freedom. Lessons drawn from the MUUS Unit on the American Civil Rights Movement and the South African Anti-Apartheid Movement preceded this program. For the 4th grade.

Jane Sapp (Mel King Fellow at MIT, Director of Voices of Today), African-American educator, musician, performer, and songwriter has made a career as an activist in civil rights and community organizing. She has worked for the past twenty-five years to develop techniques that help the silenced find their voices through the arts.

Stompie Selibe is a South African artist, musician, and art educator. He is deeply committed to empowering disadvantaged individuals and communities in South Africa, and has been involved in several South African outreach programs in the areas of education, health, and poverty relief. His work in Africa promotes reconciliation in divided communities through African drumming, music, and song.
Taken from:
musicunitesus.info/performances.html