used to be a coper

Mmm.... used to be a coper. Ok have been a few occasions when i haven't coped so well but somehow did, sometimes with professional help (am a great outsourcer).
Now i feel helpless. As if nothing I do can have any impact. Just going to my mother's funeral was an issue as my blood counts were low. My home phone is broken (using a temp one) - think it was wacked during a storm - and cannot just pop into a telkom store and replace it cos had chemo today. Could not stay on in cape town to work from our regional office (permissible under certain conditions) cos had to come back for chemo and did not want to change doctors. Don't even know the progress of my treatment cos just smile helplessly at doctor and blindly follow all - should say 'the little' - he says. Feel whatever I do or say has no impact and think that could be depression.Am seeing a therapist anyway, cos of my cancer - it seemed a good idea to help me deal with it - so hopefully will deal with this. Feel like I must say repeatedly "my mother died, my mother died" cos can barely believe it. But I do believe it, cos would have chatted to her at least a few times already today, the day I have had my third chemo treatment. Oh my goodness. My sister is having prayers at her house in about 20 minutes but don't think on my chemo day I am well enough for such a public thing. Don't know. Cannot decide if I would feel better if I went. But am sure I look so bad today it might be very bad to be there in such a public arena. Who knows but it starts in 10 minutes and is about 1 minute's drive away and will take me 2 minutes to get ready.
And cannot even feel sad about Jade Goody. Oh I am sad. It is tragic and she was so young and brave i guess, what with the wedding and all at the last minute, and i do think of her poor young sons but hell, my mom was diagnosed, not told it was terminal but that she was the perfect candidate for an operation scheduled for the next week and then five days later was dead. Eerie. But guess she was spared prolonger suffering.

having a nougat day

Arrived back in Joburg yesterday and just been for third chemo session. Eating Melissa's fig nougat which I bought at the airport alternated with Sally William's hazelnut nougat. My friend, the late Tjaart Potgieter's sister Rose makes the Melissa's one, (as well as most of Woolworths's confectionary) from his recipe, and thinking how I wish I could also come up with a recipe which could make me millions.
Just washed my hands - Melissa's nougat is a sticky gorging delight!
Think I am still a little numb re my mother's death and felt a little tearful this morning as I sat there waiting for my blood to be taken. Luckily my blood count was ok so survived the flight and all.
Oh The Tango Man examined me and said I was looking well and I never said a word in response. For someone who has often stated she is a professional question-asker, I am being pretty quiet and putting all my trust in him but I have to trust someone. He also said my stomach hassles must have been a bug which the antibiotics cleared up cos surprisingly it's all gone - and with that, my appetite came back. Had lost 2kg the week before last, then started the antibiotics and viola! First the cramps disappeared, then the diarrhea, and I started eating protein and well, everything!! So now was up 0.2kg from the last time but once am over this chemo nausea, gonna have to watch what i eat.