I have finished my five years on tamoxifen

On Monday I took my last Tamoxifen pill. I also saw my oncologist, The Tango Man, and I am fine. And once again I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I hardly discussed anything with him, and nothing re tamoxifen, beyond asking him to recommend a new gynaecologist and gastro doc (love mine but think a year down the line of having intense bloating problems is a good enough reason to get a different opinion).
The only thing I did discuss re Tamoxifen was how awful I felt on the generic when they ran out of Kessar - well it was unavailable for a short while in South Africa - and he said it was perfectly possible.
I adore that man and would be most upset if he retired anytime soon. I am so grateful to him and quite simply adore him.
Am seeing the new gynaecologist tomorrow - i got a cancellation - and although I think this means the medical aid won't pay as it is two visits within a year, tough shit. I didn't trust the last one; she wasn't at all thorough, not examining my boobs and when I questioned that, said: "Oh but you had a mammogram.."
You do not say that to someone who found a lump less than two months after having a mammogram and ultra-sound.
Anyway, let's see what this one is like. I liked and trusted my previous gynae until he butchered me for no reason. Well he believed I had cancer but I don't like the way he went about things and doing a radical hysterectomy for no reason....
Anyway...am still ..well, actually am worse, re the death of my friend (not cancer related). Been reading her recent emails to me, looking at lovely pics she sent of us together when she was here in January, reading her mail of "see you soon" when she let to go back to the US and all the ones since, and cannot believe she is no more.
It is very hard to accept death. All death. This was very sudden. She was 50 and was about to turn 51 four days later. I still do not know how she died as her husband will not discuss it. Not with me, not with her father and not with her brother. He said it was an accident. I have searched the internet for a mention - police must have been called out - aah, maybe I should search for paramedics instead - but it is all so mysterious and meanwhile I mourn the loss of my friend.
One day I will look back on our happy times of friendship but for now I am kinda paralysed with misery which is blady ridiculous.
Anyway, sitting here in my pajamas and gown on a Sunday afternoon but guess that is ok.

It's not like nothing has been happening....

I never thought I would be one of those who stopped writing their blog or became an erratic poster. My blog sustained me during those perplexing times of treatment and afterwards, as in after treatments, I felt an affinity with those I met online.
Then I went to London. Three months. I have never been away that long. Probably 'cos the lousy SA rand is useless.... the exchange rate is exorbitant and I am lucky to have travelled as much as I have. But apart from a one month fellowship at Duke University about 8-9 years ago, nothing of any significant duration.
This was also work. Hence I could do it. Although I did spend an astronomical fortune of my own money as I indulged in that glorious city, out every night, seeing shows and more shows, and so much dance, I became a member or whatever they call it of Sadler's Wells.
After I had been there for a while, I remembered: I have a blog. But I was too busy gallivanting to write.
And then I came home. And I felt I didn't want anybody to know about my life. I didn't want to talk about my private things. I didn't want to be exposed. And many people - well, two to be exact - have also suggested I write a different blog (they don't know about this one), that I write something relating to my work to promote myself more in the public domain. And I also think I should. I did try once, but found it hard to sustain. But now need to make more of an effort.
But that is not what I sat down to write tonight.
I want to talk about how this year has not yet come close to what I planned: how I was going to be frivolous and smile more and laugh more. Instead, I have been more anxious than ever.
Yeah, there are reasons for that. Not health ones luckily, well, some health ones like my bloated tummy and that endless saga, but luckily nothing serious. Although I did find what I thought was a muscular thing above my left boob and then the biokineticist said it wasn't, and then The Lymph Lady also said it wasn't lymph and I raced off to the oncologist on Wednesday, hours before I was leaving on holiday, and he said it was cartilage from my rib, and then today I had an ultrasound which confirmed I am ok.
And I have gained three kilograms. And I did go on tamoplex, the generic of Kessar which is the tamoxifen I take, because my usual one was temporarily unavailable, and then in the second month I noticed I was sweating unbelievably, as in the back of my neck being soaked and my driving home after 7pm on a not-very-hot night with the aircon turned on higher than ever before, and then the next morning taking my pills and looking at the damn pill and then realising I am having the worst reaction possible to the tamoxifen and then phoning the pharmacy and luckily Kessar was back in stock and they delivered it to my work later that day and suddenly I no longer have such hot flushes and something has lifted (think I was depressed) but I am still fat. Well, fatter. Always been fat.
Which sounds so complacent. But that's for another time.....
So here I am. Monday night and at home and quickly catching up on some work stuff and reading a lekker book which I will finish later (Zoe Wicomb's October) and just generally being ok.
And I will try to remember to smile more. Now giggly. That would be ideal.
And on Wednesday it is the general elections here in South Africa but I have to work although will vote too.
Hope you're all ok out there.