quick note on chemo

I know and am grateful that chemotherapy can help me but fak it can also hurt you. Think I have been constantly at odds, apart from a day or two when I went away, since the last time I had chemo. Maybe not, but it sure feels like it.
The latest is my mouth. One ulcer on the side but can barely feel it and in fact, not even sure it's still there. However,my entire mouth feels funny: the upper palate too smooth, the tongue not ideal, the taste pretty yuck. Phoned the oncology centre and they told me to continue with the "yellow daffodils" as I now call it, the emulsion for mouth thrush.
Need to cheer myself up. Hope the beautician will do that although it's one I don't know. Off for a mani and pedi.

fragile - chemo is not just about hair loss

I am more fragile than I like to admit. Realised that tonight when I felt so awful and just crumbled in a heap under my duvet and went to sleep. Only later when I searched in vain for my thermometer, did I realise that oh my goodness, could be ill. And did I have to phone The Tango Man? It is the vulnerability, my vulnerability that is so difficult to handle. To accept. That one minute I can be ok and the next feel dreadful.
And woke up last night, one of my many times in the middle of the night and realised how overwhelmed I was by the upheavals of the last few months: diagnosed with cancer, then my mom diagnosed with cancer and she dying five days later when her diagnosis had not been bad. I still cannot understand that even though I spoke to the surgeon who had diagnosed her.
And this chemo. People don't understand, and why should I expect them to cos I certainly did not know, did not even think about it; that the hair loss is the issue. Yes it is awful and yes, it can be embarrassing and yes, it can make you feel ill at ease but really, that is not what chemo is about and that is not the worst thing about chemo. It is the most obvious but really the least significant. It is things like suddenly feeling dreadful, suddenly feeling ill in a way that cannot be described and then lying down and both hands and arms hurt like hell where chemo has burnt the veins... ja, chemo is not about hair loss. That is just the obvious part.

a bit of this and a bit of that

Written about three draft postings. One on my unusual food cravings since I started chemo about three and a half weeks ago, another on my hatred of hats and one on... dunno.

Now tired and going to skim through something to read.

Meanwhile, I think I want a brandy but one sip and it's yuck, my mouth still tastes funny after eating a piece of cheese, a foodstuff I used to adore.

And gonna have to plan my entire outfit tomorrow around which hat is best to wear for that occasion and which one doesn't hurt cos my scalp is so sensitive since my hair started falling out from the AC chemo. Think I want to return most of the hats I bought (the unworn ones with the tags on) cos you can see I am balding - well balding but the sides are bald). Yet the yoga guru says u can see in all the hats that I am bald/balding... well, except the white broderie anglaise one I wore today but wear can i get more in that shape that are also suitable to wear at night? Oh damn it.

And to think I was scouring around that exclusive little butchery in Dunkeld West today, craving red meat, something I usually eat only once a month and then only spare ribs. Yesterday ate biltong too, the second time I have done so since starting chemo just over three weeks ago. Maybe I lack iron. On the refined foods and pasta carboloading diet I am presently indulging in, guess it's not that surprising. Gone are the constant fish meals, the salads, the variety of foods. Now I like hot cross buns (went to two shops today but they were sold out), and anything carb. And no alcohol. Bizarre.