the self-obsessiveness of having cancer

I sometimes, no, often feel I am living in a cocoon. Not a protective one so maybe it's not a cocoon but definately an enclosed space separate from the world. There I obsess about everything to do with the damn treatment, cos let's face it, it's not the cancer itself that is freaking me out, it's the side effects of the treatments.
Anyway, in this little space, me and my latest bugbear and all its paraphernalia is all that matters.
So, right now, it's the yellow gunge which is presently in my mouth which is tightly shut (you have to keep it in for a couple of minutes), and the bottles of it - one on my desk at work and one beside me here. The aim is to overdose, well, to use it as often as I can, on both my dad's advice - he is a doctor - and the nurse at the oncology centre.
Then there is the question of my nails. Tonight am going to pack a few plasters into my bag in case my nails split in half. Two look ominously as if they might; the ridges in the middle of them are raised and solid, stronger than the nails itself.
And then in the background is the haze of the rest of the world. Me? I focus on my little world. What I am currently eating or not eating (tonight tried pizza but it was a bit spicy for my mouth although on Saturday night, pre-oral thrush, the same one was delicious.)
Sitting here listening to this Senegalese guy Ibo talk about physics and maths. Yet what is he doing in SA? Making drums and earning a pittance.
Oh, there the outside world intervened in my little one.

soooooo relieved

So so happy to report that can eat solids again. Liquids weren't really doing it for me as I became increasing hungry and so increasing irritable.
But my mouth is far from ideal. Have an ulcer appearing on my outer, damn it, outer top lip, plus one inside (and that's just what i could see from my car mirror), neither of which are sore. Would not chance anything hard but am so relieved that can eat and a cut-up peach, a slice of cold meat and some danish feta has gone down really well, on top of the Chinese chicken and corn soup and mango and raspberry frozen yoghurt which I bought. In fact, have enough of that chicken soup to feed the nation but will be eating it for the next day or so.
Ah these side effects of chemo are not ideal. Oral thrush is this one's name. Still gonna have to use lots of that yellowg gunge to remove it once and for all. But it's a relief to have that eina gone from my throat. Think it calls for another piece of Danish feta and possibly some Emmenthal to celebrate.
Now I need to work on my sleeping patterns, but that's another story.