enjoying writing this blog

It is now getting to the point where I can no longer "gaan aan" (literal Afrikaans for "go on", as in go on and on and on...." about my arm and its high risk for lymphedema and how I spend so much time and effort to avoid actually getting it and having to wear a compression sleeve.
Now, apart from an occasional - as in once a day, ok, maybe twice a day, maybe more.... - passing comment such as "my arm feels dreadful, look, it is definately swollen", I try not to talk about it. So it helps to have a blog. Cos here I can pour my heart out.
Actually I don't, pour my heart out that is. I often keep quiet about things. It is what holds me back from being a good writer; I hate exposing myself, exuberant as I am.
For example, during the recent time when I did have to wear a compression sleeve, I was far far far far more miserable about it than I wrote. I don't even remember what I did write about how I felt, but I do know that I did not write what I really felt, and even now I am not prepared to discuss it, what I really felt during that time, that is.
I just hope that somebody somewhere finds this useful. Or can identify with my experiences and feelings. It is certainly helping me by providing me with an outlet as well as helping me clarify what I feel and trying to understand what is happening. It also serves to document. Cannot clarify why I feel it is important to document; I just believe it is important to keep a record of things and often, in hindsight, I have regretted not recording things. Consider Kevin Bloom's book Ways of Staying. If he had not documented things, he could not have written that book.

Up and down, up and down, up and down

After being rather exuberant cos I was on holiday in Cape Town for a week and it seemed that I could start cutting down on my visits to The Lymph Lady, and so save some money and also just bladywell relax about everything, things kinda fell apart a little this morning.
My arm is up in three or four places. So hassled re it, can't remember which. Ok, the wrist is up 1mm so that doesn't really count, then I think it's halfway up my lower arm that is up 3mm I think - or is it 2mm? - and my upper arm is up 2 or is it 3mm? Think the middle of my upper arm is also up, 2mm or 3mm.
Not a calamity yet but if it goes up again, no matter how little, will be wearing that damn compression sleeve again.
The Lymph Lady says my arm is always going to be like this - up and down - and that it could be caused by the flights to Cape Town, and also the heat this morning. Could feel this weekend that my arm was not feeling lekker, and mentioned it to my sister.
It feels much worse tonight.
And I only gained half a kilogram on holiday, which I am sure I will lose soon, so it can't be that.
Oh just want to say that this blog is among the best things I have done. Was really chuffed today when saw a comment from someone who has moved to Joburg, has lymphedema and asked for a recommendation on who to see. Emailed her with the info. So glad to be of help and that this blog is a way of assisting others, even if it's just the reassurance of recognition of a common dilemma or situation, cos it's not all about dilemmas -or is it?

sometimes it's the calm afterwards that can be so stressful

Have had some breathing space. No more dramas like finding that hard bit (can't think of how else to describe it) at the bottom of my left breast, and when I saw The Lymph Lady on Monday she said my arm was now so good that after the next visit (in two week's time cos she is going away so had to cancel my appointment on Monday), can look at coming less and less. Wow! Delighted, not least cos of the expense. Although the medical aid pays most of it back, having about R400 to pay once a week (R392.60 to be exact) is quite a huge outlay. Look, the lymph treatment has cost thousands but it's been worth it.
Ok, ok, today my arm did not feel brilliant, but one of the reasons it's been great is that I have been eating less and less and so losing weight and so my arm has got better. Then last night I had about a glass of wine and ate masses of food - all veggies as in steamed asparagus with diet mayo, salad but with avo, and roast butternut, garlic and marrows - and gained weight. Hungry now actually...

Anyway, I find I now have time to think back and remember. To think about the time I had treatment, the time I couldn't go out (to public places) cos my immune system was vulnerable from the chemo (one week after treatment, for a week), to think about what's happened. And I almost feel I want to go back to therapy. Well, have thought that a lot. Don't think I am unstable or unbalanced, just that it feels kinda ....overwhelming? But don't have money for therapy, even though my medical aid will buy for about six months worth, or the bulk of it for six months, I don't have the spare cash to pay for it before I get the money back, ie, to pay upfront. Look, if it was dire, I would make a plan. It's not. Just thinking back a bit. And so glad time has passed and I am well. And glad that time has passed and so it is all something that happened in the past.
And I am so glad I am writing this blog and keeping a record of it all, a record of what I feel and think and.. caught a radio programme this evening about breast cancer and I realised how much I know, partly because I had cancer and also because of this blog and the others I have read and those I read regularly: Julie Goodale's Fitness for Survivors,Robyn Semanko's I am 30 years old and have breast cancer and the remarkable Daria's Living with Cancer/.